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Whoah
1 min read
It's been I think literal years since I logged in. I got to get back busy! (waves to everyone)
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Devious Journal Entry
1 min read
It's pretty much been no secret that I've been fighting depression lately. A year ago I was seeing someone really special and when things got a little difficulty, my lack of esteem and security in who I am came into play and I quit. I quit fighting for her, pretty much gave up. For a year after I stewed on it, contemplated on it and realized my cowardice just cost me what could have been something truly spectacular and nothing like I had felt for a VERY long time. I got back in touch with her. She let me have it on fb messenger and I deserved every word. She pretty much forgave me but is now interested in someone new. Better looking, way skinnier than me and my brain beat me like a stepchild. So much so death was welcome to swing his scythe my way. But here I sit. It's getting better but with lifelong depression, every day can be a fight even with meds. Keep fighting people. Life is worth it, even excruciating pain because the pain will eventually fade.
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whatever.
4 min read
I'm miserable. There, I said it. Guess I have been for a long time, but I repress it. I'm not writing this as a pity-grab or anything like that. It's just to get it out.
When I was younger, I was more outgoing. I loved having friends around me at all times. Now, I keep to myself. And keep everyone else at arm's length. I do interact through social media, but that's about it. It's like my introverted switch got turned to 11 and stuck there, handle broken off so that it can't be switched back. At work I don't speak that much, at home I don't speak that much just usually clean up after whatever was cooked, do laundry, then disappear into my room until it's time for me to go to bed.
My job is just that ... a job. I get to be creative only on my own little projects, but even that has been ground to a halt due to disinterest and etc. I go to work, I go home and work; rinse and repeat. I usually don't have the money to go and do but that is all on me for making stupid decisions. Now I have to start paying back on my student loans because they said my deferment and forebearance time is all used up. Btw, NAVIENT is a bunch of wankers. The lowest they will accept is a little over $250, and with a car note and etc. I honestly don't know how I'm going to do it. That factor has probably lent itself quite a bit to my silent phase.
Self-loathing is a bitch. It's always been there but with the advent of all this junk on top of it, it's gotten stronger. It has something to feed on. I hate my mistakes, hate myself for making those mistakes and burying myself so deep in shite that I can only see the sun out of one eye.
I used to be so hopeful, open to people around me. Now I'm like Dracula's castle from Castlevania ... morbid, dark, shut to the world. Nobody gets in, nobody gets out. I love and hate my armor, if that makes any sense. In the past I have hurt people due to using them only for my own selfish desires ... women in other words. I have loved a few, got what I deserved via karma when my ex-wife ripped me a hole in my chest, and even after when attempted relationships would implode. I was cheated on then dumped with one, and another they decided they didn't have time in their lives to make a place for me. I think I got what I deserved for my past misdeeds but even to this day I stay alone because alone I am nigh invulnerable. If I get close to someone, if the walls come down, the ice melts, etc. then I'm vulnerable. I'm stronger by myself. And also the damage I can do is kept to a bare minimum. I know there are some women interested in me but I would end up hurting them by wussing out or etc. and I will not allow that. Maybe that is why I keep everyone at a safe distance, so they can't get really close and see that I'm not really that tough, that I'm just a sad little ball of confusion. Relationships don't make sense to me anymore. It's like a virus got into my programming on that matter and corrupted data, and now there is just the blue screen. But I do feel the gap among others when especially at my age they are paired off and have kids and what not. Becoming an anomaly is not all fun and games but it's survival.
As for co-workers, there is def one I can barely stand the sight of, but have to make nice in the interest of peace. However, what I would really like to do is tell them what a backstabbing selfish little shit they are. But, due to said person's insistent brown-nosing, I would probably get fired. My job being just a job is irregardless. I lose it, I lose everything. The others are either younger or older and I just don't have anything in common with them. Not a lot anyway.
I think I've bled out all the black I can today. Later.
When I was younger, I was more outgoing. I loved having friends around me at all times. Now, I keep to myself. And keep everyone else at arm's length. I do interact through social media, but that's about it. It's like my introverted switch got turned to 11 and stuck there, handle broken off so that it can't be switched back. At work I don't speak that much, at home I don't speak that much just usually clean up after whatever was cooked, do laundry, then disappear into my room until it's time for me to go to bed.
My job is just that ... a job. I get to be creative only on my own little projects, but even that has been ground to a halt due to disinterest and etc. I go to work, I go home and work; rinse and repeat. I usually don't have the money to go and do but that is all on me for making stupid decisions. Now I have to start paying back on my student loans because they said my deferment and forebearance time is all used up. Btw, NAVIENT is a bunch of wankers. The lowest they will accept is a little over $250, and with a car note and etc. I honestly don't know how I'm going to do it. That factor has probably lent itself quite a bit to my silent phase.
Self-loathing is a bitch. It's always been there but with the advent of all this junk on top of it, it's gotten stronger. It has something to feed on. I hate my mistakes, hate myself for making those mistakes and burying myself so deep in shite that I can only see the sun out of one eye.
I used to be so hopeful, open to people around me. Now I'm like Dracula's castle from Castlevania ... morbid, dark, shut to the world. Nobody gets in, nobody gets out. I love and hate my armor, if that makes any sense. In the past I have hurt people due to using them only for my own selfish desires ... women in other words. I have loved a few, got what I deserved via karma when my ex-wife ripped me a hole in my chest, and even after when attempted relationships would implode. I was cheated on then dumped with one, and another they decided they didn't have time in their lives to make a place for me. I think I got what I deserved for my past misdeeds but even to this day I stay alone because alone I am nigh invulnerable. If I get close to someone, if the walls come down, the ice melts, etc. then I'm vulnerable. I'm stronger by myself. And also the damage I can do is kept to a bare minimum. I know there are some women interested in me but I would end up hurting them by wussing out or etc. and I will not allow that. Maybe that is why I keep everyone at a safe distance, so they can't get really close and see that I'm not really that tough, that I'm just a sad little ball of confusion. Relationships don't make sense to me anymore. It's like a virus got into my programming on that matter and corrupted data, and now there is just the blue screen. But I do feel the gap among others when especially at my age they are paired off and have kids and what not. Becoming an anomaly is not all fun and games but it's survival.
As for co-workers, there is def one I can barely stand the sight of, but have to make nice in the interest of peace. However, what I would really like to do is tell them what a backstabbing selfish little shit they are. But, due to said person's insistent brown-nosing, I would probably get fired. My job being just a job is irregardless. I lose it, I lose everything. The others are either younger or older and I just don't have anything in common with them. Not a lot anyway.
I think I've bled out all the black I can today. Later.
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Please go vote
1 min read
www.designbyhumans.com/vote/de…
follow this link and vote please, I am trying to get one of my designs printed. Share with your friends
Thanks guys
follow this link and vote please, I am trying to get one of my designs printed. Share with your friends
Thanks guys
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To Instagram or not to Instagram ...
1 min read
Instagram ....
Possibly THE anathema to a photographer. Opinions vary I suppose, and varies from person to person on whether you can consider a pre-disposed program with set parameters as an art form. However I enter this thought for food to be digested in favor of it: The Ready-Mades. Artists found objects and bolted them to boards, glass, etc and called it art. To some it was blasphemy; to others an innovation. I think the same can go for using Instagram as an art form.
Personally, I like the constrictions of the different filters ... its a challenge to come up with something that is engaging and interesting, and not just teen-with-a-camera-goofing-off kind of imagery. Also, I don't have or make hundreds of dollars to spend on a really nice digi camera with loads of megapixels to render my objects. What are your thoughts?
Possibly THE anathema to a photographer. Opinions vary I suppose, and varies from person to person on whether you can consider a pre-disposed program with set parameters as an art form. However I enter this thought for food to be digested in favor of it: The Ready-Mades. Artists found objects and bolted them to boards, glass, etc and called it art. To some it was blasphemy; to others an innovation. I think the same can go for using Instagram as an art form.
Personally, I like the constrictions of the different filters ... its a challenge to come up with something that is engaging and interesting, and not just teen-with-a-camera-goofing-off kind of imagery. Also, I don't have or make hundreds of dollars to spend on a really nice digi camera with loads of megapixels to render my objects. What are your thoughts?
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